UNDERSTANDING CONDESCENDING COMMENTS
“If you move out of LA, no one will take you seriously anymore.”
“I saw you did a DJ-ing gig… don’t you think that taints your credibility as a composer?”
“I respect you as a songwriter, but you’re not an influencer. Posting reels is making you look annoying and desperate.”
These types of comments happen all the time. You logically know that you should continue through you life completely unbothered, but somehow the words lodge themselves into your brain like a wildly irritating splinter. The echoing question?
WHY would someone who presumably cares about me tear me down like that?
Let’s dive in.
Our beliefs as human beings are deeply connected to belonging. We believe things because we want to be a part of, or belong to, a particular group. As much as you may want to be an exception to this trait, it is biologically engrained in us. Our ancestors formed identity groups, or tribes, in order to survive, and it worked so well that the human brain evolved to associate belonging to an identity group with survival.
One of the largest pieces of the belonging puzzle is what neuroscientists call sacred values. Sacred values are our most deeply held principles: the fundamental truths that serve as the foundation for the behavior that helps you get you what you want out of life. Once a belief we have solidifies into a sacred belief, our brain adopts it as a critical component to our identity and stops treating it as up for debate… literally. Because our brains view our sacred values as a major component of our identity, when they are challenged, our brains react as if our identity is being challenged. And when our identity is being challenged? Woo-baby… out goes empathy, and in comes defensiveness.
So what does this have to do with those shitty, condescending comments?
Everything.
The reason why people get so cold and condescending about something that you’re doing is because they were told they could not or should not do that thing by a leader of their desired identity group. Because of that deep, human, survival need for belonging, their brain stored that leader’s words not as a piece of advice, but as a sacred belief. And, as detailed above, their brains view their sacred beliefs as a component of their identity… which means: when one of those beliefs is challenged, it feels like an attack on who they are.
So when you do something that puts someone’s sacred belief into question, they will fight for it as if it were a fight for their very existence… because to their brain, it kind of is! They will tell you that what you’re doing won’t work— until they break you down— because their brains cannot accept that a core belief of theirs is wrong. If they could have been doing what you’re doing this whole time, something deep down they’d like to be doing themselves…? Their entire foundation of who they are and where they belong in the world begins to crumble. And that is something that their brain wants to avoid at all costs.
So how can you help your friend shift their beliefs without triggering this fight, survival response? Especially when you know that deep down they’d really like to be doing what you’re doing, too? The #1 way to help them start gradually dismantling a sacred belief is to make them feel like they belong to your identity group, as well as to the one they’ve already adopted. Don’t alienate, include. Don’t get defensive, empathize. Have conversations with them, invite them into your world, and give them time. When their brain begins to feel like their sense of belonging is no longer at stake, because now they have a new identity group with whom they can assimilate, the neurological weapons of defense will be laid down.
In the meantime, we hope you can take solace in the fact that this type of comment has absolutely nothing to do with you; as you now know— on a neurological level— it’s truly nothing personal.
Keep doin' your thing, Songbird.
We’re rooting for you!
References:
Bardon, A. (2020, January 31). Humans are hardwired to dismiss facts that don’t fit their worldview. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/humans-are-hardwired-to-dismiss-facts-that-dont-fit-their-worldview-127168
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (First Edition). Random House.
Dalio, R. (2021). Principles for Dealing with the Changing World Order: Why Nations Succeed and Fail (1st ed.). Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster.
De La Nougerede, L. (Director). (2021). The Mind, Explained: Brainwashing [film]. Vox.
Kolbert, E. (2017, February 20). Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/02/27/why-facts-dont-change-our-minds
